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You are a most cruel angel
Disguising yourself in early years
You left us hungry, desperate and pressed towards every discovery.
Our impatience shattered every innocence
And in our haste we destroyed that which we can never hope to know again
So we locked away our thoughts in an effort to avoid further consequence.
You bring your nostalgia in rainstorms
Terrible torrents of places best kept unremembered
I will not go gently into your greedy hands
For every moment in which you carry me backwards
Is another moment stolen.
I’m lying in the Dark, haunted by your words
Reminiscing of the little teenage beauty
You challenged, protected, worshipped and chased
Ever mindful of the edge between us
Careful not to fall–scared to become what I could not be
Aware that a single thought
Might rouse the demon lust
Might take me down with you into the deep.
But even the hero must sleep–
And I’m plagued by a terrible Shadow;
She makes her nocturnal visits
Leaning over my bed
Stealing her way into my mind
Filling me with whispers of melancholy and madness.
She is coming to me with Her sadistic charms
Beguiling me and bewitching me with tricks and clever promises
She rapes my mind and my eyes with the dreams and bloody tears of others
They sting like wildfire down my ashen face.
My ashen face! which was once rose-stained
Slowly ages with the sorrow of all our deaths.
Ten thousand tears I would cry to see our world put right again
O but would that those tears could come!
And wash away every rising mist of all our days gone by
I would curse every wicked spider She sent to you
Strike down the terrible webs that bound you to her
Find remedy for the poisons She fed to you
Shine a truth and a light to shrink away Her darkness.
She is waiting always for her next victim.
The web is being spun, the trap is set and ready.
I will not go to Her gently, not now–not ever!
I will remember every kindness you bestowed,
I will hold to my courage and it will shield me,
I will summon my faith like a bolt of lightning,
I will be the fearless, beautiful angel you believed me to be!
I will do this for you, because where you go, I cannot follow.
You go, and yet you stay with me… so I give my goodbyes in this prayer:
May you never let go of the light when you finally find it.
Never give up hope.
Never fall to darkness.
It’s after midnight again.. and I am awake and tormented…
Outside of myself, I can see the brilliant mask that keeps the jar tightly closed.
I would find a place in which to escape, but even in sleep I cannot rest.
I listen to a haunting symphony inside my head… it comes nightly in my dreams
I scribble furiously to record the broken melody…
I paint a hundred pictures of all the places I will find myself someday.
There is much left to still be desired:
I would fly free but you have clipped the very wings that carry me
I would know light, but you have drugged me back into the very sleep I fear
I would seek answers, but you keep me prisoner to untruths that soothe you
I would have love, but I am bound to oaths so far unbroken
I would have words to console me ..
But pretty words do little to remedy a bleeding heart…
And these dreams linger on… they call me to brighter days…
It’s time to make my way outside all these failed trys…
How about now?
25 Things About Me
1. I have a small tattoo of a turtle on top of my right foot because the Turtle takes risks, it “sticks its neck out for others.”
2. I am addicted to knowledge and I love language– my dream is to study at Oxford University in England, and ultimately become a literary professor who can teach in English, Latin, Italian and French!
3. My friends describe me as ECCENTRIC, INTROVERTED and CREATIVE.. which is really their polite way of saying I am crazy, dark, and melo-dramatic. LOL.
4. When I was 3, I used to feed the pixies and fairies in my Strawberry garden on a tiny porcelain english tea set. *(Still have said tea set and still believe in fairies. Don’t piss off the fairies!)
5. I am wicked superstitious and sometimes completely paranoid.
6. I have a cat named Turtle.. and she is addicted to Beer. Specifically, COORS Light. I sent a photo in to prove this to the beer giants, but sadly they still don’t believe me that beer is for pussies ;).
7. In high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Start My Own Religion”. (Yup.)
8. I collect gemstones and I have an interest in geology and the Earth.
9. I always drop pennies in wishing fountains… but I never tell my wishes.
10. I sing in the shower, in my car, in my office and after a few drinks, in the Karoake bars… and that my friend makes me the girl with the sexy voice.
11. I need wide, open spaces… water, trees, earth, sky… and FIRE! Always.
12. I love Bats.. they are fascinating and I have a Bat House for mine, deep in the woods up North at my cabin on Skeleton Lake. I love to watch them swoop down over the water and eat bugs!
13. I love Art, Cultures, and Ideas. I study world religions, and I can read and write in ancient Egyptian… kinda sorta.
14. Someday, I am going to learn to play the Piano, the harp, and rock both the electric and classical guitar. This is of course while I simultaneously become the tres late but very beautiful, very graceful prima ballerina of Black Swan Lake.
15. My Father says I live in a castle up in the sky–I tell him, “It’s OK Dad, they know me here… and we are all living the Artist’s Way.”
16. Without music in my life, I am like a flower without water or sunlight.
17. I would rather have roses on my table, than diamonds on my neck.
18. I dream every single night…. and sometimes, I have trouble accepting it was a dream. Legend has it, then when one cannot sleep, she is awake in another’s dream. I hope I am in HIS.
19. I keep a “Spiritual Journal” and I record my thoughts, and impressions on EVERYTHING. I call them “Morning pages.”
20. Swimming clears my head and makes me feel incredible all over. Just check out my rock hard muscle forearms.
21. The colour red makes me anxious and uncomfortable.
22. I am allergic to kiwi and mosquitoes.
23. I love to watch it rain and I’m fascinated by thunderstorms and falling snowflakes.
24. Rainbows, Stars and Sunsets are 3 of my favourite things. And I collect seashells.
25. I am reckless with my heart, because I do not believe it belongs under glass.
“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man’s proper estate is an upright posture, an intransient mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”